Not Another Basic Blog Post: Just Kidding. It Totally Is.

October 15, 2019

I love fall (said every female ever). I’m a girl, I’m a millennial, I drink a ton of Starbucks: so yes, fall is deeply embedded in my DNA (my blood type is pumpkin spice). So I decided to fully commit to it & be as ridiculous as possible to bring you some fresh (but still totally overdone) basic fall girl content.

Hold on to your chunky sweaters - it’s about to get REAL (basic) up in here. I give you: the basic fall girl starter pack. Your fall challenge for the duration of this post is to drink every time I say "basic" or "pumpkin." Drink double for "pumpkin spice latte" (warning: this post will get you drunk).

So it’s fall & you need to dress like it. Put that sundress AWAY! All shorts & skirts have now been permanently replaced with leggings (basic [ha!] black comes standard in all BB starter packs). These are the only pants you’ll need all season, and if someone says leggings aren’t pants, well, clearly that person has never worn leggings a day in their life. I’m partial to LuLaRoe leggings - they're like a warm butter-covered hug, for your butt & legs, which sounds kind of odd but if you’ve ever worn them, you’ll be like, "Oh ya girl, I got you. That makes total sense."

Once the pants situation is settled, we'll move on to oversized sweaters. The bigger the better, but you want it to be somewhere between "stole this off my wrestler boyfriend" and "this might be a Snuggie." Then check your vest game & make sure it’s strong AF - meaning you need to go plaid or fur, here. (Anything less will get the eye roll from the rest of us BBs). Next, put on a blanket scarf. 

Then put on a SECOND scarf on top of that. Now you have a spare for impromptu fall picnics and photo shoots...or a slumber party (basic bitches always come prepared. A lot us were former Girl Scouts).

Then of course there is the crowning jewel of any fall ensemble: the topknot. But it has to be a “curated messy” kind - so it looks like you threw it up on your head in 5 seconds flat but really you spent 30 minutes in the bathroom doing & undoing it until your messy bun reached maximum height with gentle face-framing wispies. The golden rule of thumb here is that you want your hair to hold lots and lots of secrets.

So what’s a girl to wear on her feet for the endless epic leaf crunching she’s about to do? UGG boots are preferable for maximum basic bitchiness, but if you like your BB outfits with a side of bougie, whip out the Hunter boots (red is the only option here). If you're more of a thrifty bitch with a side of basic, then you rock the hell out of those Costco sheepskin boots (I tip my bun to you, madam). Then throw on the darkest, most oversized sunglasses you own, because lets face it - we're probably not wearing makeup under there.

So you want to fully embrace the season? Ok girl, here’s what you’re gonna need: lots & lots of Bath & Body Works candles. But not just like one or two. Oh no. You need to hit up that semi-annual sale harder than you hit those $2 mimosas at Sunday brunch & get yourself AT LEAST 20 candles (real BBs have been stockpiling all year, but the semi-annual sale is basically our Olympics). And none of that clearance Mango Mai-Tai stuff. We’re talking fall exclusives: Sweater Weather! Leaves! Pumpkin EVERYTHING! That mahogany teakwood one is also acceptable because it smells like a sexy man trapped in a jar. But if it’s black cherry merlot, you’re not trying hard enough.

And of course, we can’t forget the real celebrity here, the goddess of fall herself & the only accessory you will truly need this season: the pumpkin spice latte. One cannot be a true BB until you've graduated to venti status, and your cup runneth over with overpriced, nutmeggy consumerism.

If you want the full spiritual experience, you can try PSY (pumpkin spice yoga). One must first arrange the candles in a circle around you. Then, inhale/exhale to the scent of 15 different pumpkin combinations (pumpkin peanut brittle? Really?). Close your eyes and contemplate your current state of being (what came first - the Basic Bitch or the PSL?). Grab your Starbucks, say your OMs, and pray to the fall gods that these perfect temperatures last forever (or at least a solid two weeks before it's cold AF & everything turns brown and dies).

Here are the 4 core poses of PSY (a pocket-sized pamphlet can be found inside every starter pack):

   1.  R e a c h i n g   V e n t i       [        2.  N a m a s t e ,  B i t c h e s

3.  T h e   S c a l e s   o f   J u s t i c e      [       4.  T h r o w i n g   S h a d e

If you're next level basic, you can even get the fam on board. Starter packs are now also available in "Hot Toddy Husband," complete with lumberjack shirts, Columbia vests, & a bottle of pecan-infused bourbon (packaged in a reusable Starbs cup), and "Puppuccino" which includes an infinity scarf and a tiny pair of UGGs for your pooch. 

And now if you'll excuse me, I’ve got a date with the seasonal aisle at Target & decorative pumpkins to buy. A BB's work is never done, y'all.

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